Temple Run: a Tragic Not-Quite-Reality

I'm sure that, if you've got an iPod, iPhone, Android, or friends with better taste in phones than you, you have partaken in the phenomenon that is Temple Run. You have skeptically picked up your friend's phone, said "I don't see what's so great.." and played it until you killed their battery. You then downloaded it yourself, and proceeded to kill your own battery. And you LOVED it. You unlocked the girl, the football player, the black guy, the explorer dude, not to mention upgrade after upgrade. And you wondered--for hours--who the Hell thought up those demon monkeys, and whether they were currently receiving the help they so desperately need. You bragged about your high score, and how you could have those little digital explorers survive almost anything the basic programming of the game threw at them. BUT did you ever stop, and put yourselves in their shoes ? Did you ever think of how those poor, doomed digi-dudes & dudettes FELT ?

Probably not. That's why you read my blog.

Our digital compatriots are stuck in a world where they will never, EVER win. Ever. Think about it: you don't hit like 20 million points and then it puts up a little screen with the words "Barry got away ! Congratulations !" and a smiley face. Poor Barry (Yes, I like using Barry. Sue me.) will run for a million lifetimes, and then be cast aside, when a better game is created. He will never escape. He will run from those evil monkeys for all eternity. Let's say you were the best Temple Run player EVER. You could play for the rest of your life, never so much as trip, and have the highest score freaking ever. You could train your children to play on separate devices, and then  pause the game before you die, and have them take it up. They could continue this pattern for as long as your iPod/iPhone/Android will operate. But, eventually, someone's finger will slip, and your character will DIE. Your score will be like 53 Trillion-Gazillion, but Poor Barry will end up RIGHT BACK at the beginning, grabbing that idol, all over again. What a sad almost-existence, right ?


He collects millions of dollars worth of gold, not to mention that priceless idol, but what good is it to him ? He only uses it when he dies, so that he can take a little longer to die, next time around. Or maybe, to swap out, so someone else can die for a few turns. He gets mega power-ups, allowing him to walk through walls, move super-fast, and resurrect himself. Does he get to go to the digital world and become a Superhero-God ? Nope. He gets to run, eternally, from some freaky demon monkeys.

So this post is to you, Guy Dangerous, Scarlett Fox, Barry Bones, Karma Lee, Montana Smith, Francisco Montoya, and Zack Wonder. May your runs be long, and prosperous, and may your temporary angel wings one day carry you far past the reaches of that accursed temple. Thank you for hours of entertainment on long car rides and during meetings when I didn't really want to pay attention.

Never forget.

Peace In, Peace Out.